Diary Entry

When The Party’s Over

Anticipating the end before it’s even happened.

I’m on my way home from the city, alongside the other migrating crowds of country birds. My headphones firmly hugging my mind. The playlist runs out to the end and I’m left in static silence. 

I just got broken, broken in two and I can’t forget how he let me down. 

So go get your other lover to bring along, to string along. 

Beer is bubbling in my empty stomach and the words and laughter we’ve shared, twist and twirl in the air around my mind. The conversations we’ve had replay with a totally different meaning. 

Today, he tested the elasticity of my feelings, whilst I pretend they’re not there at all. Then there’s the lies, served in sweet cups of tea, long texts and hotel bedsheets. 

Oh yeah, your lies, they’re still very lovable.

On my way home I block everyone in my contacts, I’ll speak when I’m not having an insular breakdown. My vision is blurred, I’ve buried my fury and confusion so deep, I can’t remember how to express it anymore. 

At the start, we both knew he’d fall apart, because I’m too expensive. I knew, this was going to hurt me a little too much. 

When history repeats itself, I won’t be the last to fall for it. So I’m quitting whilst I’m ahead, and babe, I am way ahead in this all too familiar game of cat and mouse. 

Candles are flickering and their shadows are on the bathroom wall, as I make a bath as hot as the heat inside my chest, the flames dance to the silence. 

You are the silence I never stop thinking of and your silence is my favourite sound. 

So I write because there is a more we never made it to.

Before you leave, remember I was with you. 

I’m slowly losing more of my innocence, everyday I’m growing a thicker skin. I’m still gullible, but I am fierce and I’m learning that I’m not afraid to protect myself from getting hurt. 

My focus has been blurred for years, but with every inch I shuffle forward, it all becomes clear again.

Ever-changing circumstances and relationships, in any context, can screw my head and my heart into oblivion. Before I know it, I think I’m broken and lost… But really, I’m not. No one is capable of breaking me, I’m just discovering who I really am. 

I’m just not very good at letting go. There were so many goodbyes in my childhood, friendships cut short and premature electric romances snapped apart. Even in my dreams, I’m constantly paranoid that I’m going to leave something behind in my journey of midnight madness. 

I’ve always wondered why it’s so easy for people to leave, when really, I should wonder why I so badly wanted them to stay. 

As you leave, I won’t hold you back.

The Playlist

Complicated – Olivia O’Brien 

Sinkhole – Old Sea Brigade

Yea, babe, no way – LANY 

Beige – Yoke Lore 

The Wave – Colouring

Bury a Friend – Billie Eilish 

Don’t Kill My Vibe – Casey Lowry

Magic – Alayna 

Go on go on just walk away

Go on go on your choice is made 

Go on go on disappear 

Go on go on away from here 

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