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Hello October

Autumn, it feels like forever ago. Wavy hair, spiced lattes, cosy jumpers and crunchy leaves. It’s most definitely my favourite season.

You can start your day by watching the sun rise on your way to work and finish it by getting cosy at home, or taking refuge at old dark corner bars. Hot bubble baths and roast dinners are appealing again, and Becky at work can put away her diet inducing mini skirts.

Oh, then there’s our wardrobe. When I’m not face down in my laptop, absorbed in the artificial light of the digital world, I’m fighting the urge to expand mine 10 fold. Yes, I most definitely need more knitwear, boots and cosy pyjamas… and can you ever have too many jeans?

This is my season: awesome attire, chilly evenings at the pub, dramatic sunsets, soft box grey dog walks and the budding excitement for Halloween aaand all the parties in the months ahead.

You’re the fear, I don’t care ‘cause I’ve never been so high, follow me  

This weekend we ventured out to the pumpkin patch. An annual ritual we’ve managed to unintentionally instil over the past few years.

Admiring various shapes and colours of pumpkin in cold dramatic sunlight, whilst sipping on frothy hot drinks and sweet treats. A strange thing to do, when I come to think of it. It’s become a tradition of ours and it’s a tradition that I really love.

Recently I suffered a pretty nasty professional burn out. Various factors pushed me to the limit. I couldn’t cope and I crumbled, made a bit of a mess of it, so I had to take some time to get back on track.

Professionally, I did just that. I’m back on the high speed train to square eyes and success (let’s hope) I’m reviewing the last quarter of the year, organising schedules and to do lists to see me through to 2020. I’m looking ahead and it genuinely feels like the right direction.

On a personal basis, it might be taking me a little longer to recover. You’re shocked, right? With ‘world mental health day’ sweeping by, I’ve been thinking about what I’d like to do with the season and ultimately how to combat another almighty meltdown.

Aside from hanging out in the pumpkin patch, I need to do more of what makes me happy. Getting cosy, mind lost in music, books and baths are my favourite things to do when I need to switch off from stress and the pressure compressing my little head.

Being immersed in an alternative life – living vicariously through lyrics and fictional affairs – helps me to face the facts of reality.

When we arrived at the launch the following night, Nick and Melissa were there already. They were standing together talking to some people we knew, Derek, and a few others. Nick saw us coming in, but he didn’t hold my gaze when I tried to look at him. He noticed me and looked away, that was all. Throughout Melissa’s reading, Nick watched her face very attentively and laughed in the right places. My discovery that I was in love with Nick, not just infatuated but deeply personally attached to him in a way that would have lasting consequences for my happiness, had prompted me to feel a new kind of jealousy toward Melissa. I couldn’t believe that he went home to her every evening, or that they eat dinner together and sometimes watched films on their TV. What did they talk about? Did they amuse each other? Did they discuss their emotional lives, did they confide in one another? Did he respect Melissa more than me? Did he like her more? If we were both going to die in a burning building and he could only save one of us, wouldn’t he certainly save Melissa and not me? It seemed practically evil to have so much sex with someone who you would later allow to burn to death.

What is not yours, is not yours, but sometimes you have to ask for what you want and be prepared for either outcome. Trust your heart, even if that outcome hurts.

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