What Separates Me From You

Hey, I’ve been waiting here for you. 

Let me start at the end, the part I haven’t figured out yet.

Right now, I’m in a hot overflowing bath, sweating and drowning and listening to heavy music. I’ll stay here until the waters cold and the playlist is on its third repeat.

Where do you go when my walls fall down? Help me out of this hell and lift me up before I hit the ground.

None of what’s going on makes any sense to me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what you should do, what he might do, what she could do, or what will happen.

I do know that I don’t want to pretend anymore. We take three steps forward, then three steps back. I’m almost constantly on the same broken escalator. The clocks ticking, and as we record more laps in the same place, my heart grows heavier. The space between us shrinks and expands, and I miss you when I’m not next to you. We’re running out of time, dancing in this bubble of ours.

I woke up this morning and I’d dreamt you were with me, what a different world I’d be living in. Maybe I’ll have to shut my eyes forever to get to that place. Maybe it’s time to accept that we’ve reached the cliff edge and we either jump hands held tight, or we walk away. 

It’s all in my head, what you said and what you didn’t say, and I feel pretty broken up. The butterfly in my stomach is suffocating, my safe haven has crumbled and it really feels like I’m lost. I’m hanging on to a choice left undecided and words unspoken. I hate you so much for this, it’s making me sick.

The truth is, you bring out the best and worst in me. Slowly you take out all the toxic darkness and wipe it clean. I’ve been growing into a better version of myself. It’s a part of me I’ve never seen.

No one does it better 

I keep checking my phone to see if you’ll defy all odds. I’m left with an empty inbox, wondering what it is you’re doing right now.

Just say you love me now and the worst will be over. 

I know what battles you’re facing, I’m fighting them too. My head can feel so heavy when it’s held up high, looking up at the sky with all the hope in the world, daydreaming that everything will align.

Deep down I still hope one day we’ll escape this haunted carousel, taking us around in circles and tempting us with the best we’ve ever known. 

Baby, how can you walk away? 

He’s right about me.

I’m trying to figure out how to get out from under this guilt that will crush me.

Swimming backstroke above the frightening expanse beneath me, it’s pulling me down with hands around my neck.

At his best interest, him all over me, I could never be what he needs. I was never aware he checked out, leaving me in a different place.

Have another drink and then think this one over. You’ll dig yourself a grave every day when you’re sober, do you see what I mean?

I think, when I really care about someone, I find reasons to push them away. No one is perfect and it’s easy to find faults, so I can find wicked things to say to catapult myself and my heart a safe distance apart. Wow, I mean, I could probably find a thousand flaws in this only human sat right here. I think I’m my own worst enemy. 

If I’m at a crossroads, if there are two doors left open, I’m choosing the third. I’m choosing my own path and I’m choosing me. 

So your past calls, it’s got nothing new to say. 

Some people will only like you if you fit in their box, but I’m not going to find my worth in other people, I’ll find it within myself and then I’ll find the people that are worthy of me. I’ve been changing myself to chase your needs and dreams.

So, instead of battling what I believe in, I’m going to focus on it instead. 

Our love was made for movie screens.

We’re pretending we’re in control when really your heart does what it wants.

It’s okay to let go if it’s not what you want anymore. No one is going to make you accountable for all the things you no longer feel. Life is too short and it’s okay to change your mind, all things change as time goes on. 

Don’t be scared.

So start now, start where you are, start with all that fear, pain and doubt. Even if your hands are shaking and your voice is trembling, just start and don’t stop.

Just say the word, we’ll take on the world.