One Minute: I was on a white-sand beach, glowing under bright sunrays and looking out at sparkling ocean waves. Arlo was running and squealing with excitement around me.
You were dancing at a distance in my mind. For the first time in so long, I was okay, teetering on the edge of happiness and finding that place I’d hidden my inner peace.
Next minute: I was sitting on my sofa at home, the entire world was in the midst of a crisis. Then as if that wasn’t soul-destroying, slowly one by one, daggers of bad news came flying at me, like I have a target tattooed on my back. The magic carpet of happiness I’d found just a couple of weeks ago vanished from beneath me, you were barely visible in my mind and I fell down into the dark.
A virus has spread and our world has changed. Pretty much everyone on this planet is social distancing, they’re either in self-isolation or they’re on lockdown, either way, there are thousands of people dying every day and thousands more catching this invisible enemy. I reckon this is mother nature cleansing the earth. I think in some ways it’s destiny resetting pathways, changing directions, testing and teaching us all. I’ve certainly learnt a lot more, about myself and other people.
It’s a Friday night in April. I’m sat outside in my garden, cross-legged on a patio bench with my laptop, headphones and a beer. Pretty much in my element, you say?
The beer tastes like FOMO.
Last night I walked for hours. Through my village, out the other side, down country lanes and fields. I didn’t want to stop, I just wanted to walk off the earth.
My body is still aching from it, so instead of going on my usual jog around the block this evening, I thought I’d find some comfort in writing instead.
It was really warm today, the air is fresh but you can still smell the early days of summer. Gerry Cinnamon, Marcus Mumford and Jack Steadman are keeping me company while the stars prepare to take the stage in the sky above me. (I’ve popped my playlist below.)
I’ve been in some isolating scenarios before (try hospital or maternity leave.) Lockdown definitely tops them all. This is probably the most isolated I’ve ever been, physically and emotionally. Divided from normality, separated from my best people and deprived of freedom.
The truth is, there are few people left in my bubble and my bubble is a very lonely place to be right now.
Often these things come at me like a tidal wave of helpless doom. On a lockdown or back in our original world, it comes around like clockwork. I’m quick to drown out baddies that make me cry and no matter who’s to blame, I pay for the consequences.
It only becomes significant and painful when it includes someone you had your heart-shaped spotlight on. Someone you began to trust and least expected to be carrying daggers.
“Just remember sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are.”
Hanging around the places that I shouldn’t be, taking no shit and making enemies, like I gotta’ be fucking crazy. Rolling in directions that I don’t believe, pretending that I’m someone that I’ll never be.
The sky is turning black, so I better crawl back inside my vessel for the night. As if there’s any identity between the days rolling by, tomorrow is Saturday. There might be another long walk and there might be some writing, but there will definitely be more music and Sunset On Lockdown.
I hope one day, love, you could open up your eyes and you will see, It’s only destiny.
Where we’re going, this shit don’t matter.
Petty Drone – Mystery Jets
Where We’re Going – Gerry Cinnamon
Lay Your Head On Me – Major Lazer
Screen – twenty one pilots
Say You Don’t Want It – One Night Only
Luna – Bombay Bicycle Club
Pumped Up Kicks – Edwin Raphael
Eat, Sleep, Wake (Nothing But You) – Bombay Bicycle Club
A Beginning Song – The Decemberists
Gloria – The Lumineers