Lately, I’ve been thinking

Lately, I’ve been thinking

It’s been a while since I last wrote something down.

Reading back, I’m still riding the same insane brain waves. Still feeling totally confused by the clouds of anxiety and I’m still floating above a large expanse of metaphorical dark water.

But enough of those cryptic descriptions. Describing a kaleidoscope of feelings, emotions, happenings and scenarios, it’s truly exhausting. Hiding behind complex words and lyrics isn’t a healthy way to communicate. Here’s to breaking the stigma and speaking up.

So, I started having panic attacks.

As blatant as that sentence is, it was certainly a slap in the face. Seeing my weakness at a peak in all it’s ugly glory has been a pretty horrifying experience.

The very first time was whilst I was at home, mid-morning sat at my desk with a coffee. The second time was during an exam. (Without sounding too much like an academic a**hole, I still passed!) 

They creep up when least expected, but often not in those moments when the weight of the world comes crashing down and my bones feel super stressed. They can also surprise me in moments of calm. 

I’m learning how to control my mind, instead of life itself.

This includes digesting affirmations on the daily, offering gentle reminders to my mind. The universe will hurl sh*t at me, it’s inevitable, but I’m slowly realising that the lack of control isn’t worth worrying about. Instead I’m focusing on how I navigate my way through challenging times. 

The dotted line is where you draw it.

The truth is it’s okay to feel like you don’t have everything you want. It’s not over yet and it’s not finished until you decide it is. I’m certainly on a journey. In the past 6 months I turned 30, moved house a few times, experienced loss twice, paid a killing in vet bills, my son started school and broke my heart more times than I can count.

I am emotionally drained. I feel sick with heartache and honestly, I just feel totally lost.

The carousel I was riding 2 years ago is still churning the same old rhythm of bad luck and bad decisions. Circles still surround me and with every repetitive fight, I’m feeling more and more alone. 

How do you learn to breathe and move forward? How do you heal from the past?

I’m really searching inside myself for heaps of forgiveness. I know it’s the key for finding peace.

I’m trying to accept my scars for what they are, forgive people who have hurt and set myself free to move on. There is happiness out there waiting for me, I’ve not lost sight of what that looks like and I’ve never been more ready to be happy. 

If you’re taking that first step towards finding your own paradise, then I’d love for you to tell me what you’re doing to get there.

Because with every inch I go towards the unknown, it gets scarier and I find myself running backwards.